This is a lil Storytime about how I’ll be spending my Thanksgiving as an orphan. If you are a lone wolf on holidays (or always) perhaps you might find this relatable, and I give you permission to copy my way of coping with otherwise emotional days.

If you don’t know already, my parent’s passed away (2022 & 2024) and with that the relationship between my siblings and I imploded. (It’s usually a manifestation of the upbringing). I was a fresh 26 year old girl who truly had no idea how time would continually beat my heart to a pulp knowing none of the experiences thereafter would be shared with my mother (at least, here on earth. I expect her to pick me up when my time has come).

Last night, admittingly, I wept a river of tears into my pillow. Partly hormones perhaps, mostly desire for motherly connection. I am well aware that Thanksgiving Day is JUST ANOTHER DAY. If we are looking at things from a logical perspective: the sun rises, it climbs, glides across the sky and it sets. Just like yesterday and just like tomorrow. Emotionally however, many people will be spending time with family. Chatting, laughing, arguing, yelling in rage fits (that was us, well, dad). Although I do not in any way miss the fact that (a generous) 90% of our holidays were ruined by my dad’s need to burst into a rage fit, I missed having them around. I know it’s confusing and even thinking it through it doesn’t make much sense. I wouldn’t choose that over my now ever so peaceful (and lonely) holidays, yet I would? (She is indeed a paradox). I suppose if I had to choose to suffer the burden of chaos versus suffer the stillness of nothingness, I would tell you one or the other on different days. But one thing which is certain; I’d appreciate the luxury of having the option.

Instead, I cried my eyes out last night hoping someone would save me from the weight in my chest. Knowing there will never be a holiday spent with my mom. She will never meet my children, husband, first real boyfriend, the launch of my “success”. Knowing surrounding homes would be sharing good or bad memories with one another while I DID WHAT, made my mind spin. A friend of mine offered to find a group of people for me to spend the day with, but eh, spending the day with strangers feels even worse somehow. I am grateful for the thoughtful offer, however. (PS: how ironic! She just texted me saying she found a friend whose family would love to have me over! Perhaps I’m being too moody and antisocial…. but truly, it feels more depleting spending an otherwise intimate holiday with complete strangers, minus the girl in our church).

I’ve decided to spend the day treating myself to compensate for the emotional heaviness. I woke up at 7ish and went over to grab myself a Starbucks coffee; something warm to soothe the cold winter morning (is it still technically fall?). As I pulled up to the drive through the woman at the window asked me if I’ll be doing anything for Thanksgiving. After many times now brushing off these types of questions, I felt pestered by dodging the truth with my “socially acceptable” answers: “ohh I’m just catching up on other things” or something lame and half true. My mouth blurted out “No, I’m an orphan.” It got a little awkward, and I partially felt satisfied… (being honest feels liberating… I didn’t feel shy or glum dodging the question. I felt empowered and in control). Being socially acceptable is for bots anyway. 😉

So today I’ll be performing the ritual of deep scalp massage, along with face massage and lymphatic drainage using a dry brush. (I’m picky when it comes to products so put your best recommendations in the comments, I’m curious to know what’s out there)! Of course, the full body shower featuring deep exfoliation, crisp clean shave, eyebrow refresh and deep moisturization is in the cards. Recently the homemade shampoo, conditioner and body wash I made ran out so I’ll definitely put some music on and be a chemist for a little while. I’ll read, perhaps paint, for sure write! The day is filled with many fun options. I LOVE stickers and junk journaling, perhaps I’ll spend time putting together my recent travel photos. If you all saw my journals, you’d immediately want to start junk journaling lol BUT, I AM A GATEKEEPER and keep what’s in there all to myself! There are many things to do to fill ourselves back up with life when we are experiencing rough times.

If you are alone on this Thanksgiving holiday or upcoming Christmas and New Years, ask yourself what little things you enjoy doing most and then do them! It really is about filling the day with sweet memories to not only override gut wrenching pasts but establish new patterns. One day when love may find me, I’m certain his family will take me in as their own (if not, he is surely NOT the one!). God’s promise to us isn’t only to restore what has been lost, but to restore and replenish better than it was. I am certain there will come seasons of fulfilling, people filled Holidays. For you and for me, my fellow lone wolf.

You CAN rewrite your story. You CAN change the narrative from sad to glad. You CAN feel grateful in depletion.

I BELIEVE IN YOU, MY FRIENDS! Happy Thanksgiving.

PPS: My Thanksgiving meal is chefs kiss **

xx D KAT

“Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.”

Psalm 30:5

“I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you.”

John 14:18

“You will forget your misery; it will be like water flowing away… you will be secure, because there is hope.”

“…and the lord gave Job twice as much as before… so the lord blessed the latter end of Job more than his beginning.”

Job 11:16-18 & 42:10-12