If you’ve ever found yourself wondering why “nothing ever works out the way you wanted” then, this you may find value in.

Our minds are capable of many things, and self sabotaging thoughts could actually be the reason why you always feel like things are just quite not THERE. When we are trying (or wanting) to accomplish a certain something, especially if we feel the potential of what we wish to do or create is exciting or exhilarating or even a fearful event, we often create a ton of reasons not to move forth with it. “Well, if i do this, and it is successful, then I can start tomorrow since I know I’ll win anyway.” (I’ve quite literally caught myself thinking this before, so if you feel exposed, don’t).

I have a rather important event to attend this weekend which requires the UTMOST attention, as I was invited late as a runner up for a last minute dropout to speak at an event in another state. Do I have it memorized? NO. Do I have my flight booked? NO. I have this almost dissociative delirium that it will all just “work out”. This is a habit I developed in childhood, when the world around me was utterly chaotic and I genuinely had no option but to merely exist and wait for things to settle down. Because it’s rooted deeply into trauma, it’s been embedded in me since childhood, providing me with a lifelong habit of “waiting out the storm”. Excitement and fear feel the same to the nervous system, so whether it’s the nerves of the opportunity, or the excitement of the opportunity, I am reacting from a place of wounded little girl. I then have the audacity to wonder “what happened” when things don’t go as excellent as they do in my mind. A chronic habit of daydreaming was too developed in childhood. Throughout these moments of pretending my reality wasn’t as startling as it was, I’d drift off into Daisy World, where everything is as I want it to be, whenever I want it to be, however I want it to be, and with whoever I want it to be. You see how this pattern is showing up even now as a 28 year old? In my mind, this Saturday will run as amazing as it does in my mind, because I rehearse over and over obsessively just how good it’ll be. But, in my external reality, I’ve managed to avoid taking action, and habitually waiting for the feelings of the nervous system associated with this event to pass. There was a time in my younger years where alcohol would counter this anxiety and my productivity was wildly efficient. (For an individual who claims to think of herself as logical, this is…. Not that). The good thing is, that through self awareness, we can create new patterns.

Am I cutting things close? Absolutely. Is this the most ideal time to practice new habits? Actually, because I have so much going on this week it is IDEAL. If we can focus on re-wiring ourselves in the moments which are most stressful or complex, everything thereafter is walking on sunshine. So. It is MONDAY today, and I am to deliver this speech SATURDAY. What will Daisy do?!

Recently, through a friend group, I met a fellow acquaintance who too once struggled with an abusive past and is too still learning to break patterns. Something this new friend taught me was 1. Set a short timer (I’m talking, 15 minutes) and dedicate yourself solely to whatever task you need to complete. This takes away the pressure which comes with the large illusion of the great big responsibility over your head.

Another thing which I recognized about myself is that as I’m working through a task (and a great example of this was actually building this website. I am the LEAST bit tech savvy and prefer to just do the writing / creatives. Site building, CSS, blocks, and such??? Ugh!!) after some time of working through a task which I find agitating or like its going no where, I begin to CRASH OUT. Due to overwhelm, frustration, agitation, and feelings of incompetence. The best way to get out of this funk you say? Set a timer for 15 minutes and go for a walk. This revives, relieves, and restarts the nervous system. I brought up a fun little game which I learned in therapy for anxiety: name 3 things you see, smell, touch, hear. Whiewf, this was just what I needed. Keep in mind that weather is IRRELEVANT AND NOT AN EXUSE TO BACK OUT. Put on that winter jacket if need be. This is a necessity, trust.

Lastly, focus first on whichever task is guaranteed to get done. This will create momentum through a micro-win. I kept obsessing over the coding aspect of the website building because I thought “WHEN I get that done, THEN I can do the fun part and start writing the blogs.” So, round and round in circles of frustration and accomplishing nothing I went. I was redirected by my friend to just focus on writing the first three blogs, that’s IT! Don’t think about the rest. And, rest assured, writing the first three blogs has quite literally nourished me with inspiration. I remember WHY I’m doing all of this. The joy which comes with expressing myself freely (except now online versus in my journal) is like breaking the chains from my wings. So, when it comes time to start coding again, I am not interested in giving up because I know the cost of what that means. So, any small win. It could be a microbe of a thing, all you need is momentum in your desired outcome. Logistics and details will work themselves out as you go. you’ve got this!

What’s most funny, is that all of what my new friend had me go through were all things I’ve been knowing! EXCEPT, sometimes, we lose touch with healthy habits and fall back into the pit of grey-ness and only an observer can help us out. I thought to myself “I already KNOW all of this!” BUT, HAVE I BEEN ACTING ON IT AS OF LATE? (No.) It is no coincidence we met when we did, the good man upstairs knew that his plan for me was to succeed on my first ever speaking event, yet I needed a push, which is exactly what he delivered through this individual. (God’s will is truly incredible).

So, either I’ll completely tank this Saturday and back out due to lack of preparation, or, I will step up to the plate and show up for myself. At the moment, it’s a 50/50 dice. As I’m still learning to play as a new character in the matrix, it’s hard to know what Daisy will do next. She often catches me by surprise.

I would love to know, what small actions do you take to keep your head on straight? What helps you stay focused? Where do you find most success in accomplishing your tasks? Can you separate anxiety vs excitement?

With purpose;

D KAT