“When I…” is a statement I still find myself thinking on a daily basis. Looking back at things, it’s a statement I’ve lived by for a lot longer than I care to admit. “When I am in the living situation I want to be in, I’ll set up my big whiteboard and create my vision board again” I found myself confirming (with a longing, disappointed tone). I moved up north almost 7 months ago now, and I only ever intended to be here a month or so. I’ve come to find that life is rarely as we plan it. Yet not planning it leads us nowhere (or in my case, everywhere). No matter what I seem to do to make my way back down south, nothing has worked. Perhaps there’s something more for me here? It was never my intention to make friends, settle in, or get comfortable here. I’ve been living in a tiny bedroom FULL of all the things I collected from my first apartment. They were tucked away chaotically into a storage unit for a couple of years before I made my way back up here, never imagining that I would be a completely different woman coming back. In many ways I feel like I left off to war (of sorts) (no disrespect to our troops in real war) and came back to a life which now feels foreign. Furniture which I no longer relate to after being borderline homeless, quality clothing which I once took egoistic pride in wearing, feeling so meaningless after living in thrifted t-shirts and holed up shorts. The feeling of “nice things” now felt like a burden, and a shameful one at that. I suppose choosing to stay in your comfortable, upkept apartment over moving back in with your lonely, newly widowed mom in our childhood hoard (and often cockroach infested) house will do that to you. How could I fathom that she too, would get sick and die?

Every day which passes, I grieve the longing I have in my heart for my “forever” home… wherever that may be on a map. My mind tells me one thing (well, an abundance of things) but what does my heart say?… Too bad I often don’t know how to read her. She is a PARADOX.

I now find myself attending church regularly with what I have come to call my friends. True friends: people who mutually support one another, genuinely care, are honest and trustworthy; a few traits I have not prior had the pleasure of experiencing consistently and without motive. For the first time in my life, I’ve been given the space to expand into hobbies I’ve only in the back of my mind been curious for. I can now play “Mary Had A Little Lamb” on the piano, which, for anyone who has ever tried anything new, you know the bliss of feeling like you won at something. Except, unlike education or work, the only reward is the gratitude you have over the experience. There is no material prize, no award, paycheck, or round of applause. It’s just you, in your happy heart knowing that you DID something cool.

These seemingly irrelevant wins are ultimately what we get to take with us when we go on from this world. I find it an abomination, and an insult to my existence to catch myself saying “When I’. “When I make more money, I’ll move back down south and get myself that sewing machine and learn how to sew”. And I guarantee it when that extra money does come, it’ll be “When I have more time, I’ll get the machine to learn to sew”. It is a gross insult to turn away from what our perfect God has planted in our heart. It is no wonder we are a miserably depressed and anxious collection of generations.

If it has dawned on me that “if God wanted to, he would ” (give us more money, or more time etc.) then why wouldn’t it dawn on me that our all-encompassing God wouldn’t say “because it is in your heart, you know the time is now”. I guarantee you, upon this acceptance, the sewing machine would seemingly magically appear, and the time I do have now can be used to learn. If tomorrow were the answer, today would be pointless. “When I do x” “When X happens, I’ll do X” and similar thinking ought to be carefully plucked away and thrown back into the ether.

Let’s play a game: when a thought relating to postponing an interest arises let’s take the time to ask God something like this: “If this is meant to be God, bring it into my existence”. This way, we don’t get in the way of our own happiness by assuming something else needs to happen first. We can truly rest our head at night knowing that if it is meant to be, it will be, because we asked. The bible states the same TRUTH “And whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, you will receive if you have faith.” And thus, my friends, we pave a new way for our tomorrow, and every day thereafter.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t WANT to wait for tomorrow, or until whatever I think needs to happen in order to finally sit back and let my heart sing in action. God doesn’t place interests in our heart for the sake of locking them away until we accomplish something in this matrix we call life. Enjoying life is arguably our only purpose. To experience it all, at all times. We don’t have to be exactly where we THINK we need to be in order to do or try something new. Perhaps what’s in our heart now will assist in getting us to that next place. Perhaps taking action on these seemingly silly things is exactly how we will achieve that big dream, vision, and mission. “When I” could become “I did” or “I learned” or “I went” if we wish for it to. All that’s required is stepping out of our own way, asking God for help, then letting God work his magic.

What do you most want to do? What has held you back? What will you do about it?



xo D KAT